
Newsletter - November 2024
​​Stories We Tell Ourselves
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We like to make sense of things; at least I do. And I know I’m not alone. For me, sense is a form of connection and I like connections. Why? I think it’s because connections suggest patterns; and we like patterns because we can recognize them. They suggest something predictable, perhaps even controllable—and we like that too.
Here’s an example of a pattern. We are born; we live; we die. No surprises there. But what happens in between? I think that’s where the stories come in. This newsletter looks at how we create and tell ourselves stories. I think we do this to help us make sense of things. This newsletter also gently questions the extent to which we do ourselves any favors by doing so. Let’s get started.
There are all sorts of things that happen in the course of a human life which are matters of fact. For example, each one of us was born on a certain day and in a certain place. While we’ve likely forgotten our personal experience of the time and place, there’s no doubt that our birth happened somewhere and at some time.
There are also lots of things in the course of a human life which are not matters of fact. There are opinions, feelings, things we consider to have been good or bad. There are memories or interpretations of things that happened or sometimes didn’t happen, or of decisions we have made either consciously or unconsciously and the consequences these have had on our lives. On top of that we may choose to remember some things and entirely forget others. It gets complicated very quickly.
I believe all of this becomes the raw material from which we weave the stories we tell ourselves; and it leaves room for creativity. This matters because how we express our creativity is always a choice. And what we choose to create can profoundly influence how we see ourselves, what we do with our lives, and what we experience as a result. This is why I think it’s worth questioning our stories, and why I’m writing this newsletter.
Consider what happens when we meet someone for the first time, or are introduced to them. Likely sooner rather than later here’s what will come up: your name, where you were born, where you live, whether you are married and/or have children or perhaps grandchildren, what you do for a living. If you happen to have retired, then there’ll be the question of what you used to do, likely closely followed by the question of what you do now. I don’t want to say it’s predictable… but it’s predictable. And our answers represent our story.
So, once you know my story, do you know who I am? Well, you certainly know a lot more about me. However, all you know are the bits I’ve chosen to briefly fill in the gaps between the milestones of “We’re born; we live; we die.” So here’s the interesting question. It’s one that Byron Katie used for the title of one of her books. “Who Would You Be Without Your Story?”
It’s a good question, isn’t it? Is each one of us our “story”? Is that who we really are? If so, then that means we create ourselves according to the story we choose to tell. Does that matter? Yes, I think it does. Why? Because if we believe the story we tell others (and ourselves) then we think that’s who we are. And who we think we are will affect what we choose to do with the rest of our life. And that matters because what happens between birth and death is the only life we’ve got (at least as far as we know for sure).
Time to slow down. Fact or fiction? Reality or illusion? Here’s Lao Tzu’s Master: “He dwells in reality, and lets all illusions go” (chapter 38). If you asked him for his story, I think he’d simply smile. You might find this frustrating if your idea of getting to know him involved gathering sufficient information to pigeonhole him somewhere, to make sense of him in the context of other people you have met. But why did I pick this quote? Am I suggesting all stories are illusions? Hmm, perhaps I am. Let’s tread carefully.
This newsletter started by observing that we like to make sense of things, and making connections is one way of doing so. So here’s an example. We look up at a clear night sky and the stars are dots of light. For some of us that’s all they are. But someone somewhere a long time ago decided to connect the dots and make patterns. They’re called constellations. There’s Orion the Hunter, Leo the Lion, and Taurus the Bull. Are these patterns real? Do they affect your life and your experience of it? (Note these are two separate questions.)
For skeptics, the answers are no and no. They’re just patterns made, frankly, for the sake of making patterns. But for others, it’s not many steps to the signs of the zodiac, and then attaching significance to the month in which you were born, and what that means for your life. If you want stories, there are some ready-made ones right there. You don’t even need to create them. You can have one of those if you like, or at least you can choose to be influenced by them. Hmm, I said I’d tread carefully but I fear I’m getting into trouble, at least with some readers (likely for using the word “choose”).
Time to summarize. I think for Lao Tzu’s Master all stories are illusions. But living a life without illusion is very difficult. We want the familiar, the predictable, preferably the controllable. We don’t like the unfamiliar, the unpredictable, the uncontrollable. In short, we don’t like surprises—so we’d rather be closed than open. For those of us who are not the Master, I think stories meet this need. And so stories are what we tell ourselves. They’re familiar and therefore reassuring. In this respect, the extent to which they may be illusions is beside the point.
Hmm. Well, if we accept that’s what we do then does it matter how we do it? Yes, I think it does. Does our life have a “true” story? I think the short answer is, for all practical purposes, no it doesn’t, not really. It has only the story we choose to tell. What inspires that story? The way we see the world. And what affects the way we see the world? Our story. There we have it. That’s why stories matter so much.
The trouble is we don’t tend to question our stories. We simply add to them. And for them to continue to make sense to us, I think we sometimes get creative without being aware of it. Sometimes we forget certain things, remember others, and perhaps invent a little bit here and there to keep the storyline consistent. Do I do this as much as the next person? Yes, most likely I do. Trust me, compared with the Master, I’ve got a long way to go.
So, assuming we’re not the Master, where does that leave us? That’s a hard question, and I don’t think there’s a simple answer. However, hopefully this brief exploration leaves us a little more self-aware regarding the stories we tell. If nothing else, perhaps we’ll ask ourselves a few more questions, or at least take ourselves with a larger pinch of salt than before. Best of all, of course, would be simply to let our selves go. That’s what the Master does: “Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled” (chapter 7.) That’s easy to say, but it’s really difficult to do.
What do you think? To what extent do you feel the story of your life is the result of what you choose to remember? Do you think your story affects how you experience your life and what you choose to do with it?
If you have any thoughts you’d like to share, you can get in touch with me by:
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replying to this e-mail (which will include this newsletter)
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sending me a new email, i.e., without this newsletter
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reaching me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/FrancisPringMillAuthor
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using the Contact page on my website www.francispringmill.com/contact
Thanks for reading. Please feel free to share this newsletter.
Francis
IN OTHER NEWS...
Past newsletters are here: www.francispringmill.com/newsletter-archive
In Harmony with the Tao: A Guided Journey into the Tao Te Ching is available as shown here.
There Is No Somewhere Else: Insights from the Tao Te Ching is available as shown here.
Synopses and reviews for both books are on www.francispringmill.com/books
If you have enjoyed my books and have a spare couple of minutes, I'd love it if you could leave an Amazon review so more people can discover them. (The customer review link for In Harmony with the Tao is here, and for There Is No Somewhere Else is here.)​